Tut Kobain

There was too much to celebrate, and we drank and ate like it won't have its consequences. Rivers of Landó and mountains of hummus down our throats. And now? Now we moan lying on bed, complaining about the stomachache and the hangover -not really, just a slight headache-, but the smile still hanging form our lips. 

You make me feel good and new. Thank you. 

Yesterday was a flappy day.

My head is starting to work properly by itself. Wonderful news.

Let time decide for us

I looked into your eyes and saw my heart. 
But I'm not a part of your world any more. 

(We will never confess what song was playing when we wrote this words.)

Don't let anybody but me smash your heart against the ground.

Lucky I found you

True lies in the sentence "exercise makes you feel better". Indeed it does. Maybe that is the reason behind me writing these words in a completely different mood, whereas I created in my mind two days ago in a gloomy feeling. 

I pictured myself, legs crossed in Turkish way, wrists laying calmly on my knees, the chin slightly lifted, so then my eyes could focus the image above my head. And that image was no other than you, you, the Bird (because the bird is the word), the one I often dream to somehow possess, the one I dream to call as mine. But as you are from and to the wind, I cannot own you. And this is precisely the reason I do adore you. Recently, picturing that image in my head, I realized my fascination for you does not came but for what you deeply and formally represent: a bird. Holding both freedom and wisdom inside your chest, between you feathers, and the glimpse of your eyes. And I though to myself "how truly lucky I am, lucky me, because I found you". 

I wish I will no bother myself trying to explain to others what you mean to me, that would not make any sense. And that's a pretty thought. You, for me, can only be understood inside my mind. Projecting a private shape, a secret reserved specially for me, a confession between me and your ethereal perfume in the air. Lucky me because I found you. 

You are the reason that I progress, the reason for every stand up after crawling on the mud. So deep I feel you that it crossed my mind the idea of getting a tattoo with your name. Could you imagine? Your name, in my left wrist, for the rest of my life. Your essence in my neck forever. Your sparkle inside my pupils for the rest of the eternity and beyond. But my allergies and my mixed up skin prevent me from tattooing. At least for now. 

Lucky me because I found you. I feel your presence flying above myself at every stroll on the street. Whenever I surrender, collapse, curse, shit, cry, despair... it's always you. Your story, your figure, your colours, your teachings. They inspire me to go on. To progress. To lear more about the topic I definitely don't fancy, but learning to be alone with it and learning to love it, to comprehend it. To understand there is not always the easy way for those who reach for the sky. You need to suffer and hurt your limbs and your forehead before the things get less difficult. This way you learn. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. Did you see the quotation here? 

Even in my darkest time with friends, you stood always behind me. I observe the world and the people around me and I get often tired. It scares me, because it's getting quicker every month. I get tired of people and their way of life. I get tired of those who complain and do nothing. I fucking get tired of those who think they know absolutely everything and do not hesitate to express it. I fucking hate those who always answer "I know". Do you? So speaking with you jus turned completely pointless, uh? I don't like people who always talk about themselves. It fucking tires me. But you show me patience and calm as two ways of skipping the traffic of tiring people. And then I pretend I listen but I do not, I am actually miles away, just watching the play people offer me. 

Nevertheless, you stay with me in time to tell me to appreciate friends. The ones coming silently and tiptoeing in the back doors. The ones I prefer more and more day by day. 

I am not perfect, you remind me of that. 

Lucky, lucky me because I found you. 

Las cosas de Avani LVI

"Cuando hay violencia, siempre hay marcas. Nadie te corta la carótida sin tocar nada", explica mi Avani ibn Tahir interior, mientras se señala el cuello con el índice de la mano derecha. 

Las cosas de Avani LV

"El vellón del ovicáprido... y la lana de la oveja", recita mi Avani ibn Tahir interior.

Foreign Drenk

—There are no precise words in this language or in any other to describe how ridiculously high levels of stupidity you can reach. 

—It was not my fault!

—Of course, it's never your fault! Then who's fault is it, you idiot?

—The marauders were chasing him! I needed to do something!

—Have you not understood yet how dangerous is for your current situation to assault anybody in daylight? Gods in Heavens, you could have burned something! How would we have explained an spontaneous fire? We cannot!

—I couldn't let him die. Turning eyes down at something like this destroys the honor.  
—Jeez, Drenk, it is not a question of honor. It is a matter of common sense! 
—...

—Don't you understand? You are a dragon-fire creature! You are not ruled by the laws of our world. You don't require to assume useless and pathetic thoughts as honor or pride. Put yourself together! Does this fella worth the risk of nearly striking a fire in a forest?

—It does. 

—How come?

—Look.

—... Fuck my life.

—He is one of us. 

Better than I, better than me

Feels quite embarrassing going through yesterday's words, after everything that happened just twelve hours ago. I guess this is the way an unknown force has to tell me "it's gonna be alright". I believe it is, but... at any price? There is this stupid saying that goes "anything that can go wrong, will go wrong", and that stupid statement just materialized this morning in front of my eyes. Okey, powerful and wise unknown force, what should I do now, these four days ahead? Do you have any answers? I believe the useful answers starts with putting away my own created laziness. Look at it in the eyes and say "we've been through this many times lately". And then, to work with me. To real work. 

If I can make a 50/50 state of life, that means I can manage this situation. 

Do not abandon me, beloved bird. You were the reason and the path to follow. I will reach to you, hopefully; it has already begun. But in the meanwhile, please, stay close to me. As I need you more than ever. I need my own heart to beat stronger to pulse my legs and walk. 

-Have you ever wondered, what if...

-Everyday.

-So what now?

-Forward. Towards to the end. 

-What end?

-This precise end. And we will restart. Will you stay with me?

-Deep and loving, as always. 



Nothing to do with the upper words, but I feel just amazed on how sexual I've been thinking recently. Does it have something to do with hormones or anything? Seriously, those future eight days better pass quickly. I desperately need the heat of your touch in my skin and the closest feeling to happiness our bodies could bring in twenty seconds.
All hail the couples I have been thinking of, in order of randomness: Buru/Usakar, Calai/Gera, Ismail/Silver Ring, Thiago/Silver Ring. Did I miss someone?

Ad illa tempora

Events like yesterday make me realize how tall the cultural barrier can grow between me and my colleagues at the project. How a matter of words or expressions can bring a whole text down, just being one after the other, eventually ending in an absolute nonsense of Art History concepts and pseudo-Spanish grammatical constructions. So, it is not valid. So, I have to start again. 

Indeed the readers are on the same intellectual level as me. Moreover, they do stand in a higher level, since 19th cent has been their topic for many years, and it just started to be mine. Sometimes I do not find the confidence to write or speak about obvious points, just because I still don't dominate de field. I wonder if I ever will. But cultural barrier due to the language has a strong role in this play. I can express myself in English and be understood not so bad. But academic concepts, scholar circles... that is something different. As not every spaniard could write an academic volume just due its knowledge of the language, I cannot still consider myself capable of produce content in another language, in another country. I have to learn, yet a long way ahead. 

That is how I am trying to see this, as a way of learning. And hopefully I won't end thinking of myself as the dumbest one at the project, what I do deeper in my heart. I had quite a few problems with the god-damn thesis that bring me so down, both intellectually and emotionally. I cannot help but think this could had been easier if I had stayed... here. Where I am, but involved in different circumstances. Like my friends and colleagues on the field. Just because, at the end of the day, what real difference lies in me? I cannot prepare classes, I am not going to trips, I just go back and forth from Europe once a month. The doubts have its roots so deep attached in my heart. In my brain. Despite my interest in congresses and conferences, what is the real difference with me? The language? Not so, I could be writing in Spanish. 

And, at the same time, this brings strong possibilities. For me, for the real me, waiting impatiently circled by the cage of my ribs. 

"Don't give up", you say. "I believe in you". Although you are so far away, you can still bring to my eyes the tears that heal me. Double way street, the one I am strolling. Thank you, truly. I need somebody that believes in me more than I do. I fucking miss you. 

But I need to stay strong for my little nephew coming. I saw is tiny face, and his tiny hand. The one I cannot wait to hold. I need to teach him what a warrior is, since you told me that you will speak about me as the Western soldier, the warrior from al-Andalus. The one with fire in her blood and no fear in her eyes. I need to stay true to those words, and teach my nephew we come to this world to learn, fight and evolve, both inside and outside. I already love you, Tariq, even if that won't be your name, and most probable it will be a while until we meet each other. And another bigger while until you are able to remember me. But I already do. Trust me, I already do. 

I can do this. I can. Not only a five-pages article. I can do the rest. I can and I should.
As professor Hillenbrand asked me a year ago, "will you drown or swim?", I need an answer. 

Off with lamentations. To work with me. 

Increase Mental Toughness

Talk positively to yourself.
Set goals.
Practice visualization.
Use simulation.

Permanence, pervasiveness and whether it's personal. 

From Buru to Humbaba

No hago otra que pensar en ti y en tus ojillos negros.

Yo llamé y nadie acudió, y sentía tal temor en mi soledad interior, que corriendo me escondí. Lo cierto es que ahora tú estás aquí. Un buen amigo tendré en ti. 

Al que esperaba eras tú, ayúdame. Por suerte, ahora ya lo sé.

Con tormenta y con lluvia, en el monte o en el llano. Fuerte me siento junto a ti. Tú me ayudas a seguir. Tú me guías, yo te sigo. No me escondo nunca más.

Y somos más que tú y yo. Lo mejor que hubo en los dos.

Sí. Lo mejor que hubo en los dos. 

No sé si esto lo escribiré tal cual, pero me resulta hermoso imaginar cómo se querían. A su manera y no como queremos ahora. Pero era amor. De aquel tan verdadero como la vida y la muerte que Buru y Humbaba representan. 

Pero insistes

Voy a acabar donde quieran llegar mis pies, sin importar lo que pueda pasar después.
Voy a acabar donde quieran llegar mis pies, sin importar lo que pueda pasar después.
Voy a acabar donde quieran llegar mis pies, sin importar lo que pueda pasar después.
Voy a acabar donde quieran llegar mis pies, sin importar lo que pueda pasar después.
¡Voy a acabar donde quieran llegar mis pies, sin importar lo que pueda pasar después!

My new working percentage

10% luck
20% skill
15% concentrated power of will
5% pleasure
50% pain
100% reason to remember the Name

Lo que quiero, lo que soy

Ya estoy en casa, y tengo una sensación preciosa. Es muy bonita. Brillante y pequeña, cantarina como una campanilla de plata que va repicando dentro de mí. Resplandeciente pero que cabe en un puño. Es una bonita sensación, esta mía. Porque estoy en una casa que de verdad es la mía, o al menos yo la siento mía. Y además estoy particularmente desconocida, porque mi maleta ya está deshecha y todo está en su sitio, justo como antes de marcharme de vacaciones. 

Han sido unas buenas, buenísimas vacaciones. 

He hecho exactamente lo que yo quería hacer, lo que me apetecía, y afortunadamente para mí no ha sido necesario que trabajase. No hubiera estado mal que le hubiese dedicado más tiempo a la señora GH, pero siento que tengo tiempo y que no hay motivo de alarma real. Siento que las cosas van a ser diferentes, porque estos diez días pasados he sido feliz. He visto a las personas que quería ver y me he reído con ellas, con algunas incluso he llorado un poquito, y he pasado mucho tiempo con aquellos a los que tenía un poco descuidados. Y por todos lados, puedo decir, ha sido casi perfecto. Casi, la perfección no es real. Pero esto se acercó mucho. 

Y soy feliz. Hoy tengo ánimos para ponerme mejor. 

Saldrá bien. Saldrá bien. 

Suenan las campanas de una vida nueva.

Lo que quiero, lo que soy.

Vuelve a levantar pasión por las aceras.

Lo que tengo, lo que doy.

Contra viento, cielo y mar

Las palabras que escribí de verdad las sentía. De verdad.

Las palabras que aquí publiqué eran sinceras, y el sentimiento que movió mis dedos también. De verdad. 

Pero al contrario que estas palabras, yo no soy estática.

Las cosas han cambiado. Yo he cambiado. 

Foto, mamona

No importa el tiempo que pase entre tú y yo, o los meses que mantengamos el silencio entre ambas. Después te veo, te digo cualquier ordinariez y tú te partes de risa. Algún día te pagaré todos los euros que te debo. 

Gracias por aquella conversación de madrugada hace un par de meses, con el teléfono. Gracias.

PandP

And you're always free to begin again. And you're always free to believe. When you find the place that your heart belongs, you'll never leave. 

Courage is the key that opens every door. 

Though you may not know where your gifts may lead, and they may not show at the start, when you live your dream you find destiny is written in your heart.