Failure/El último regalo de Oredón/Forward

I couldn't decide on a title, so I am keeping all three of them. 

So yesterday was okay, until the afternoon. The afternoon was bad. Really bad for me. I wasn't sure of straightly writing about this and it crossed my mind composing a mystical-mysterious-allegoric post about how down and up and down again I felt, especially since I am not sure if I can cope with this tiny failure going online. But afterwards I thought one of the purposes of this blog form the beginning was twofold: being a testimony of my personal Journey (hah, did you get it?) and being honest with everything that happened in my life. So, here we go. 

I didn't get the scholarship that I applied for in March. Notice that this was the second time I applied for funding from this particular foundation, and this time I strongly believed I did what was expected. I worked really hard on my application, on my time & travel planning, on my budget. I spent many, many days composing and revising the text alongside my supervisor, who was satisfied enough with the proposal for it being sent. 

So we did, and it has been a while since that day. And finally yesterday I received a letter saying, with not so many ceremonies, that my project was not interesting enough for the foundation to consider funding it. So, I didn't get the money, nor the salary. I got nothing, basically. 

I had to make a fair stop here and point out that the letter was sent in German and Helena, always at my disposal, translated everything for me and was the first supportive person to grab my shoulders as they were shaking. 

And I broke down. I do not even bother to deny I did. I fell into pieces and cried my life out. Bob thought someone had died for the shattered tone of my voice when he picked up the phone. I felt ashamed of myself and sad, and not worthy of continuing my research. I nearly panicked at the thought of what my supervisor would say (I am still waiting for her reply atm). I was sad and I could feel physically the sadness hitting on my chest, like a piercing pointy sharpened sword. Like, sigh, that lovely sword I am not sure I am getting, because I have no money now. 

There were a million sensations crossing my mind and my soul at the same time. Then my dad came back home and I burst into tears onto his arms, like I was far younger than what I am supposed to be. And afterwards, my brother returned home from where he was just because he received my message with the bad news. And little time later, when I thought I had put myself together, my mom returned my call and I cried again. I can swear I was feeling that much pain, disappointment, shame, anxiety. 

But the response I got from all the people I spoke was no other thing than a blessing. Bless all of them, one by one. Helena, Bob, my dad, my brother, my mum, Beth and Lucía. Bless you. Thank you. I am kind of speechless right now, as I think no other word can summarise better what I felt than "thank you". From the bottom of my heart and soul, thank you for being there. I honestly don't know what I did to deserve you all wonderful people. But I have you in my life, and you are a privilege, a gift, a blessing. You were kind and supportive, comforting and positive about my future. You brought the light into the nebula of my own self-destruction. 

And I could see things slightly differently. 

My mom was the cherry on the top. She said, after discussing my budget for the next months, that this academic year 2018-2019 would be my grandad's last gift, as she still had some money saved from the flat sale. So it will be himself in spirit, my great and beloved grandad, the Red Dragon, greatest among his kind, the one who will make possible for me to continuing doing what nowadays is my passion. Obviously, when my mom mentioned him, I broke down again. 

[Now that I think of it, there is this strange connection between my grandad paying for me and my last two days' obsession with revisiting Caim and Angelus' story. Because Drenk and Oredón weren't but a reflection of them...]

Thank you, again. To all of you, but especially to my parents. To my mom and dad, to my tiny, not usual family. My family that is the milestone of my life. The only element that will remain, now and forever. Thank you for allowing me to continue my journey towards the mountain, searching and re-searching for a bird. That one and only bird. 

We are moving forward.