Disclaimer to myself

It is mainly disappointing stalking other friend's posts trying to reach a slight of information about how they are doing instead of asking in first place. Do you really mean to accomplish something by that? Aren't you supposed to be all over it currently? If they continue together, if they split up, what has to do with you. You don't care. Why should you care? Repeat it to yourself: you don't really care. You were through hard times and none of them showed up to take your hand. Ok, maybe they tried, and that is worth to remember. But seriously, what did they actually do? Are we asking ourselves these questions again? 

Recently I just watched a video about how to detect and deal with fake friends, and surprisingly I discovered some of the "fake" features in myself. Like demanding attention or claiming for love or kindness from other people. Truly a revelation for me. Not the one I was expecting, since I honestly hoped to watch that video and point at the screen saying "see, this is the kind of people I don't want to deal with, but unfortunately I have to!" or "dude, that is exactly how these people behave, finally somebody representing what I really suffer!". Disclaimer: not that I didn't. I actually identified many other features showed on that video and matched them with people I know well. Too well. But that was the main point of it, wasn't it? The unexpected deal was I saw myself in some annoying demanding postures, and did not like it at all. So I guess, same I did with my thesis, I need to rearrange my mind (again). Jeez, now it was starting to walk by its own once more...

Linking to the former matter on these words, as the friends now "suffering" resulted fake to me in the past, there is sincerely no reason for me to be worried about them. Nor their feelings, nor their thoughts. Because, astonished me, they happened to turn to me when dark clouds appeared on the horizon. Fucking serious? I mean, first you used me and then you lied to me, betraying my confidence and shielding yourself behind such a poor argument as "I wanted not bad to you", to after came crying looking for my shoulder? Fucking serious? Put yourself together and let me be, your disillusionments with life are no matter of importance to my right now. Thanks. 

But in the end I cannot stay indifferent to the situation. Precisely because they (he, specifically) turned his eyes to me in a moment of real anguish. To me. Like... really? From all the people your are surrounded by, you chose me to share your uncomfortable and weak feelings. And the only thing my mind happened to generate was a deeply honest: why? Why me? I thought you and I were no friends anymore. Just acquaintances. Casual mates. But not friends, at least not as I understand them to be. And I found myself locking all the anger and hatred at the walls of my inside and being honest to you. Listening to you. Giving you advice. And truly feeling sorry for your situation. 

My question now is, who is playing the most pathetic role here? Is it you? Is it me? 

I don't freaking get your behaviour. Seriously, I don't get it. You told me you are sorry, you meant no harm back then. You were unconscious. You were blinded by the circumstances. Let me laugh at those sentences, please. 

Still, I feel like I cannot hate on you. At least as much as I feel I should. Maybe I am not as fake as I perceived myself while watching the YT video. 

And since I always portrayed myself as a brave honest dragon, I did it. I straight asked you my sincere question: why?